This is Chester. When I was in Afghanistan I got a care package from one of those “Adopt a Soldier” programs that lets families send care packages to service men and women who are deployed overseas. Anyway, I got this care package, and it came with the usual stuff: Baby wipes, crackers, peanut butter, the Dad threw in a pack of cigarettes, and there was some jerky. But there was also a little beanie baby gold fish and a hand written note from a 7 year old girl that said “Dear Soldier, (I wasn’t even mad) I hope you are doing well. I’m sorry you have to miss thanksgiving with your family. This is my friend Chester. He keeps me safe from monsters, but I think you need him more than I do. I hope he keeps you safe from the monsters you’re fighting. Take good care of him for me”.
You bet your ass that little fish was in my pocket every time I went on patrol.
" I’m not like other girls"
Really? Cause I’m pretty sure, unless you aren’t human, you’re EXACTLY like other girls
You see these aliens come from outer space and they wanna make us slaves for their theme park. Eh, what do we care? They’re little, so we challenge them to a basketball game! But then they show up and they ain’t so little… they’re huge! We need to beat these guys, ‘cause they’re talking about slavery! The same jokes every night for all eternity! We’re going to be locked up like wild animals and then trotted out to perform for a bunch of lowbrow, bug-eyed, bad-headed, humor-challenged aliens! Eh, what I’m trying to say is… we need your help!